dik, please accept my apologies.

i know that you think that i’ve left you dying in that scary house we grew in, but i swear to God that was never the reason. i need to continue my life, and i’m sorry if it seemed like i ruined your world. leaving you for failure.

me and adik, circa 2012.

dik, i know that you probably think i hated you. growing up i would push you away when all you wanted was my affection, but it was because i don’t want you to see the big sister you bragged about being so fragile and broken.

this is also my first time as a human, let alone being the big sister, and so mistakes was made along the way, i really wished i had died my previous life and come back in this lifetime so i can give you the best advice to walk on this earth, providing answers to every single questions you asked me.

dik, i know you saw me as your mother when ibu was not around, and a piece of me run inside of you and shaped you as today. but i’m not a good person, so if those piece i was giving is not a good one, please throw it away and never let it cling onto you. i know i’ve hurt you along the way trying to play parent, i was never and never will be your mother, so apologies if my action hurts you. i’m frustrated and confused too, i was never supposed to play the role of parent in your life. i was just a kid too.

growing up, you were so curious, you would tag along me to wherever i go, until one day you stopped. i miss those days of us being so close, and it was partly my fault for always being so angry and push you away. but dik, all those anger i showed you was just a defense mechanism on how broken i am inside. i don’t want you to know, ruining your impression of me being the perfect sister.

you asked me, “how do you just know what’s right when you don’t have a big sister to ask for?” i don’t. i don’t know whats right or wrong dik, i just let it hurt me and tell you the right answer. i never knew anything. but i don’t want to dissapoint you by not knowing.

i’m sorry that i never opened up to you, i just don’t want you to suffer the pain i had growing up. it was my way of shielding you from the painful truth of living, even though you find out eventually later in life, but i just couldn’t let my little angel got scarred at that time, you were just a kid, like i am. but its okay for me, thats just how it is for being the big sister.

as time goes, we grew apart and had our own life. i moved out that scary house we lived in, and you were left behind. your sister might no longer be around, but my spirit stayed in your heart. i will always look after you from afar, please ask for my help if you need, call me, scream to the sky, and i will be on my way.

it’s time for you to figure out and found out, make me proud dik. your sister is waiting.