i would never imagined a fast paced metropolitan like Bekasi would be so melancholic in my heart, but here i am longing about this grey skied city.
it was my destiny to be born into this chaos, my cried was muffled by car horns and people shouting in the distance. may 3rd of the year 2005, my mom finally gave birth to me after three days of pushing. maybe it was my nature to be stubborn, maybe because i am a taurus, or maybe it was a first born calling.
i grew up in a small alley in this city raised by my grandmother, my mom was too busy chasing bags and i was left into my eyang’s care. the alley was cramped with one wall sticking onto one another, i could hear the walls talking at night; a family argument, a teenager singing their hearts out, and even the neighbors using the bathroom. there was no room to spread lies, we knew each other’s lives like it was reading our own palm.
this cramped alley is soon to be something i despised, as my muffled struggles are becoming awareness to everybody but not a single help was offered. just like everyone else, i was expected to deal my agony by myself. maybe that’s why i grew myself a though shell.
Bekasi was known to be dirty, as the white concrete was smudged by the trash and people’s selfishness. the air was hazy from smoke of unspoken struggles of the people and polluting cars. Bekasi skies was never blue, it was always grey from uncertainty the city carries.
i grow up being embarrassed about this city, it was never cool enough like Jakarta for me to brag, but its not certainly bad compared to any other small city in this country. just like how i will never be enough to society but also not so bad for them to pity me, i’m always stuck here in the middle hanging by a thread.
eyang putri died in 2019, and the city lights seemed to become dimmer following her death. and i moved back to my parents house in bogor, but not so long because before we came back to live in that house to take care of eyang kakung. but he died not so long after we moved back in. the year 2022 is the year this white painted house went pitch black.
we used to celebrate Eid here in Bekasi, but after their death Raya cakes are collecting dust untouched in the living room. the festivity of holidays becoming any other regular day in my life. Bekasi made me realized life goes on and i need to let go.
now that i moved out for college, i found myself longing of the city. Purbalingga and their quiet tendencies somehow brought chaos into my brain. i missed how Bekasi has its ways to calm the raging storm in my head, whether its the fact that all my best friend lives nearby me, or the fact that i could hop into the nearest KRL to give myself short getaway.
being a stranger in a new city made me realized how little i knew myself. how i realized i prefer the chaos of rush hour street rather than an empty road by the rice paddies. well maybe the country has its own ways of romancing, but i can’t help but longed for Bekasi. that city and its ways to serve the bitter truth for me to sip, it raised me to be truthful and realistic.
Bekasi and all the chaos that comes with it somehow has filled most part of my hearts, and when i’m away it left a big gap in it. the city has mold me to be a strong opinionated woman, and years of inhaling those smoke has made my lungs black from criticism. Bekasi numbed me but also made me realized about all the jumbled feelings of dilemma.
if there’s one place i’d proudly call as my home, it will always be this city and it’s imperfection.
